One day, Roombas will be able to give us blowjays, make us sandwiches, and nag us. What else can you do?
{ 2 comments }
STFU, Twitter douches.
There’s this thing called Twitter. If you don’t already use it, you’re probably either as afraid of the Internet as your grandparents, or you don’t get it. Here’s how it works: you follow what people write, and, if you write some cool shit, people follow you too. There are tons of articles about how to gain Twitter followers, but maybe you feel like going against the grain and getting some ingrown advice on how to lose this annoying thing called Internet Popularity. Since there are as many fucking idiots on Twitter as there are on the rest of the Internet who seem to have mastered this, I figured I’d put together a guide just for those of you who seem to not be able to lose followers on your own. Here’s how to lose Twitter followers.
- Tweet about food – Do you call up your friends to tell them how awesome the burger you just had at BK was? If you annoy your friends in real life this much, they are probably retarded for being your friends. Nobody gives a shit, so congratulations on decimating your Twitter following from the get-go.
- Use the shit out of hash tags – You know what hash tags are useful for? Practically nothing, besides being annoying as shit. #If #you #love #reading #shit #like #this #then #maybe #you #should #gofuckyourself. The only situations where you should use hash tags are 1) go die 2) in a fire. (Example: “_ALiiA RT @KnightKnight87 #YouRemember when Niggas could go 2 da NBA straight outa HS Kwame Brown ruined dat 4 erybody~he disappointed every1 lol” English, motherfucker — DO YOU SPEAK IT?)
- Post links without any descriptive text – I love porn spam and malware as much as the next person, which is why I, and anyone with half a brain, will unfollow you immediately after you post douchebaggery such as this. Go ahead and test my patience, dick.
- Type fragmented updates – You have a full 140 characters to type out at least one complete sentence. If your grasp of the English language is so meager that you’re unable to complete this arduous task, you’re on point. You will have zero followers in no time. (Example: “IsaDlicious Do #YouRemember ?” Hey, IsaDlicious! Do #YouRemember how to complete an entire fucking thought? Fuck yourself.)
- Post Apple drivel – Are you a techie douche who loves the shit out of Apple and will not shut up about any single thing they do? Are you STILL tweeting about the iPad? I think they have a job opening over at @TechCrunch or @someotherbiasedtechblog that would be perfect for you (JKROFL TechCrunch, I less than 3 u).
- Tweet something/everything in Trending Topics – If you aren’t Justin Bieber and you’re not black or from the hood, you should definitely post shit from Trending Topics every day. Why? Because they’re always about stupid shit that nobody gives a shit about, such as being Justin Beiber, black, or from the hood. Since you can relate, you should post fragments in broken English with a few hash tags thrown in about what you ate for breakfast. Be sure to include a picture. Guaranteed loss of followers.
These are just a few ways to piss people off enough in hopes that they will either unfollow you, or never follow you to begin with. Maybe before you click that “Tweet” button again, you should think about whether your long-term goal is to post something that people are actually interested in, or if you’re a dipshit who should get in a car crash that leaves you paralyzed forever. Think about it.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that you should follow me on Twitter. I promise not to do anything to hurt you. I will always use a condom. You can bring me to meet your parents. My promises are always empty. Twitter @sucktackular.
{ 3 comments }
