Myspace Rules for 2009.

New rules for Myspace or any social networking site. Follow them, or die!

1) “Party Like A Rockstar!” Whenever I see this on somebody’s page, be it as their name, in flash art, html art, whatever- all I want to do is punchasize their face. Do you really party like a Rockstar? Do you really know what a Rockstar parties like? Rockstars often start learning their instruments as little kids, and because learning to play the violin is “gay,” they’ll be known from day one as “that gay kid.” As kids are wont to do, they’ll still call little Gary “Gay Gary” all the way through Middle School. Gary will feel shitty about himself, so he’ll switch to guitar, and after playing since he was a grade schooler, he’ll eventually get good enough to be in a band. The band’ll get signed, and they’ll put out some records.

The thing is though, Gary’s got some serious emotional baggage. He got called “Gay Gary” all through school, and hated everyone in his life. So even though you girls with your “Party Like A Rockstar” symbols will still blow him on every tour, just for a chance to say you swallowed for the Bassist from Mud Mung, he’ll still be a little damaged in the psyche. So he’ll drink alot, be drunk on tour, and eventually someone will offer him coke. Coke will graduate to Heroin, and inside three years on tour, Gay Gary hates life, and has a serious Smack addiction. Because the other band mates didn’t get called “Gay Gary” (Because the one guy was a drummer from birth, and we all know drumming is “cool”, and the lead singer always gets bitches) they didn’t have mental problems. So they don’t do Smack with Gary, and when he starts falling down on tour, it’ll become a problem. Eventually Gary will get kicked out of the band and hit rock bottom. Even though he has millions of dollars, he’ll hate himself, drink alot more, shoot up alot more and try to kill himself. He’ll fail at that, and evetually get into rehab. He may even get himself totally clean, go on the talk-show circuit and write a book about his experiences. But the thing is, he’ll always be a little damaged in the head, and he’ll have ruined like 15 years of his life, and seriously need a liver transplant, not only because he drank too much, but because he got Hep C from shooting up. Gary will die young after living in his momma’s house for his last three years.

Wow, that sounded like fun, didn’t it? Actually, no, not one fucking iota.

That’s what it means to “Party Like A Rockstar.” When you put that “Party Like A Rockstar” shit on your page, all it tells me is that I hate everything about you. You want to swallow a load of junky semen, and you’re flaky.

Do you want to go around telling people you’re fat?

2) Symbols in your name. Did your parents really name you “<3 I Love Tony!!! <3″ I mean, really? Chances are, I remember you from High School and I may try to friend you up. When I search for your name, I’ll never find you because you’re a flake, and apparently really like your boyfriend (who’s in Mud Mung) Tony, who by the way, secretly wants to have sex with Gary. (Tony will eventually come out of the closet too).

The point is though, your name doesn’t have a three in it. I don’t know anyone who’s name has anything but letters in it. So why be such a douche bag that you put symbols and numbers in yours? It doesn’t look artistic, and Myspace, ever the shitty website, won’t even post your name correctly, so when I get an email from you, it’ll come over as <,”i”Lo”ve^Tony**”<’3″ Wow. That looks good doesn’t it? It’s not all flowing and flowery, it’s just shitty, and makes you look like a pirate hooker. I have a bunch of friends on my list with that shit in their names, and I actually truly don’t want to insult you guys, but seriously- you need to change that. It just looks dumb. A name has letters in it. It doesn’t have division symbols or the “letter” 3.

Some of that shit’s getting complicated too. I mean, every symbol, punctuation mark, and number appears in some people’s screen names. I try to find “Denise” in my friend list, and even though she’s already on there it takes me twenty minutes to type her an email. It doesn’t take twenty minutes because I’m a slow typer, or I have alot to type. It takes twenty minutes because I had to go down the list of the 600 (and growing) people I have on my list to find your dumb ass. My “We’re on for friday afternoon” took 35 minutes to type because you’re dumb. Rectify that Denise.

3) Try not to have a Front Page with an overly complicated design. Don’t cut out “Favorites” or “Message” or whatever. When I want to write you a message, I shouldn’t have to “Shout Out” or “Holla At Me.” I should be able to rapidly see the “Email” or “Message” spot, and just be able to click it to do what I want.

I’m seriously sooooo sick and tired of looking through your page and having it take forever to load. I have to constantly re-adjust where I’m looking at because of all of those .gif files you got loaded up on there. When I go to the section to type you an email, I do not want the page to keep sliding down because of that shit. There’s a pictures section- Use it.

Don’t put those shitty music players on your page that force your music on me, even though I have it set that music doesn’t automatically play. I have to keep the volume muted on my laptop because of you. Mud Mung keeps playing, no matter what I wanted, and that takes up even more space on your page, and time to load.

Sure, you should have a nice backround, and you should put tons of stuff on your front page, but the design, should not, under any circumstances take more than 2 seconds to load. I went out and bought the fastest laptop I could buy, and it still takes several minutes to load the pages of some of the chicks on my list.

When you alter the basic look and feel of your page, putting the contact table on the right instead of the left, or eliminating sections that have always been there, all you do is make yourself look like a Valley Girl who’s main ambition is to “Party Like A Rockstar.”

You all know what I’m talking about too. We all have friend with overly complicated front pages. They add this pic or that, they have this box or that, they have all of this extranous shit, that no one on the face of the earth gives the slightest shit about except Denise.

4) Bulletins are useful and important. So when did they become chain mail? Chain Mail sucks. It used to be that your momma would get ten letters a week from people with chain mail, but now in the “Information Age” she gets a hundred emails with it.

Let me put it to you this way- Bill Gates will not give you money. You will not be able to see any secret messages by posting the fucking thing and then highlighting and clicking “Control 3″ You will not find the love of your life. You will not be granted your deepest wishes. You will not have bad luck. You will not die because you failed to post something.

I’ve seen “I’m so sorry! Don’t read this!!!” a hundred times, and do you know what I do? I see that and I don’t read it. I already know what it is. It says I have to send the message out to a hundred friends in a hudred seconds, or I will die of Beast Man AIDS.

Chances are, you might be a shit head, but the thing is, you won’t die because you didn’t forward that shit on. Mud Mung will not come play at your High School, and you will not get to meet Gary because “he’s keeping track and wants to see who forwards this to the most people.” Gary died dude.

Really, has any misfortune really happened to you that you could lay at the feet of that post you forgot to forward on? What happens if you don’t have the required one hundred people on your list? What happens if you take one hundred and one seconds to forward it on? What happens? JACK SHIT.

So seriously, cut it out.