“I like Mexican”

The Perils of the Online Dating World

I tried Match one time, and I can guarantee you, unless you’re a supermodel, you’re not going to have any luck. There’s a few problems with the whole idea of “online match making” because of the very nature of the service: It’s online.

It’s strange, but you may find once or twice in your life, that you’re attracted to someone you ordinarily wouldn’t be. And do you know why? If it’s not looks, then its certainly personality and services like eHarmony and Match don’t rise up to par because of their nature. They’re in the written word, and more often than not you really can’t glean anything of a person based on how they write. They just don’t teach that shit in school.

So what is one judged on in these online services, you might ask? Well let me tell you, it’s all looks. And the thing is, that’s ok. It’s ok because of the very reasons I’ve mentioned before. If you look like an old Babushka but want to shine, you have to do it with video… to my knowledge they don’t offer that service yet.

I want to go over a few things. Firstly, you could try to shine a little in your profile, and that’s a noble aim, but there are things you just want to steer clear of so as not to sound like a twit. Don’t say you like “Mexican” because the thing is, you don’t. People who say they like Mexican food are really just trying to pretend like they’re worldy when they’re not. Really it’s a slip up that the well-informed will pick up. You don’t like Mexican, and if you say you do what you really mean is that you’ve tried Taco Bell. Maybe you just wanted a good bowel movement, or maybe you needed something that was open at 1 a.m. when you didn’t want to cook for yourself, but the thing is, that’s reeeaally not Mexican. It’s more American than anything. And hey, that’s not bad. American food is like our language. We steal the good parts from everyone else. It’s what we do, we’re thieves. If you like Mexican, and you write that in your blurb, you’re either being disingenuous, or your simply saying that you’d probably be willing to try it. Either way, there’s some inherent deception there isn’t there?

Here’s another one: “I don’t even know what to write, hehehe…my friends made me do this.” Oh really!?!?! So your “friends” held a gun to your head and said “TYPE BITCH!! Type or the monkey gets it!!!” You don’t have a monkey, and they can’t force you to do anything you’re not actually willing to do. These friends of yours are most likely friends because they’re supportive, not because they force you to embarrass yourself. Don’t write that shit down there; nobody cares why it is that you’re there, so long as it’s not to meet children. You’re there because you need a date. Simple as that. So please, don’t try to confuse me and make me think you’re actually a real winner, but your friends for some reason, some social experiment, made you write stuff about yourself online for a bunch of internet predators to see. You need a date, and you’re probably too embarrassed to say.

Hey, that’s ok though. You need a date? SO fucking what? I need a date too…but I don’t need a date from a service that bases it’s match making on looks. I’m maaaybe about a 5 but I bet most people would say that my personality pushes me up to a firm 6.5. If you need a date, don’t be afraid to admit it. There are 6.5 billion people on earth..I’d say there are at least a few that need a date also…

“I like to excercise, go to the gym” Translated: “I’m fat.” When you write that in your profile you’re either a lard ass, or you’re really superficial and you’re trying to find a way to sound nice about it. Here’s the thing: with option one, you went to the gym once and found it to be too much work. Maybe you didn’t like sweating…maybe you didn’t like the skin rash you got from the weight machines, either way, you went once and found it wasn’t for you. Then there’s option two: You still don’t go to the gym, but you think pretty highly of yourself and you’re looking for someone who’d look good on your arm. You don’t want to have to gnaw your own shit off to get away from some hag, or meet Skip, the 45 year old shoe salesman (I’ll get into the fallacy of hating shoe salesmen later) with chronic acne and 5 teeth.

Just admit it. You don’t really go to the gym. It would be better for you to be honest and say “I judge people here solely based on looks, so you better make me want to go in my pants, or I’m not going to even respond.” If you really do go to the gym on a regular basis, good for you, but the thing is, I doubt you do because if you did, you wouldn’t need to bandy it all about online.

“I’m tired of meeting people at the bar” Translated: I can’t even meet people at the bar. You can’t even meet drunk people at the bar, and that’s a pretty bad sign. I don’t go to the bar often, but I’ve been there and seen a few hags. Bill O will say “Would ya?” and my only response is: “How much Jaegermeister do they have here?” If you get drunk enough even the girl with acne can look good. Hell, you might even rub her pimples a little. Alcohol has been helping people get laid for a long time, and if you hate that fact it’s because you go there and get left with your dick (or your button) in hand.

Bars are no real place to meet a future spouse… it’s just not a good idea to meet someone you plan on entering a long term agreement with, when heavily under the influence of an intoxicant. But bars are places to meet people and if you’re tired of meeting people you’ve got more things to worry about. Hell, if you’re tired of meeting people why would you even be on this service. God, you’re an idiot!

Don’t go to eHarmony. If you do, that’s a giant signal that you’re a loser. If you go to a service that advertises that you can meet your “Soul mate” you should understand what they’re reall saying which is: “You are a loser, and you really just want to feel like less of a loser, by getting fixed up permanently with some other weirdo” And hey, if that’s your thing, that’s fine. Hell, that’s probably my thing as well, but you should just be a little more honest about it. There is no such thing as a “soul mate” and if you really believe that there is, you’re going to strike out hard. They ought to just tell you a little more of the truth, like the fact that that “Doctor” they have on their commercials has a Ph.D. in Economics. I shit you not. He’s no therapist, psychologist or M.D. he’s an Economist who used to work for the IRS. Do you want the same people who take money out of your paycheck to take more of it? Do they deserve your $49.95 a month? Do you really even want the IRS choosing your mate? “Well, Beth has been paying taxes for 12 years now and has never filed jointly. She files the EZ form, meaning at 30 years of age, she still lives with her parents” Yikes. I don’t want any of that.

I’ve done a lot of faux-bitching here, but it sort of begs the question: What recommendation do I have? Mine is simple: Do what you love to do, and do it joyfully. You’re bound to meet someone that either A, loves what you do too, or B, loves that you do something with joy. Either way you look at it, if you meet someone like that things are probably going to work out well for you. If you like “Long walks on the beach” You goddam well better have sand in your shoes right now. Otherwise just tell people the truth.