What the fuck, Wolverine?

This bitch lost her friends because she paid to go see the Wolverine movie instead of downloading it. She also has an iPhone.

First, let me preface this by explaining that I grew up reading the X-Men comic books and watching the X-Men cartoon on TV every single day before/after school. I have always thought that Wolverine was the most badass character, possibly in the history of the world. Ninjas, Chuck Norris and Michael Phelps are all cool, but nobody has SHIT on Wolverine. I mean, he regenerates AND has adamantium bones. Because he kicks so much ass, you would think it would be relatively easy to make a totally kick ass movie devoted to his said kick-ass-ness, right?

Well, apparently not. My first major issue, which I knew would be a problem before I set foot in the theater, was that it is “PG-13.” Who the fuck do they think they’re making this movie for? Are little kids the ones who are popping major boners for Wolverine? Do little kids even give a damn? I assure you that, even if kids are popping major boners, my boners are bigger and more pleasurable. This fact alone should push Wolverine into at least an “R” rating.

Also, what’s up with the ridiculously extended emo crap throughout the entire first half of the movie? I can appreciate the story that Lumberjack Logan falls for some chick with a dude voice, but fuck man, if I wanted to listen to emo crap for an hour I’d just go put on my Fall Out Boy CD. I want to see Wolverine slicing up motherfuckers and blood spraying everywhere, Kill Bill style. And I want to see some titties. Do you know of any good movie where a tasteful dose of milk jugs didn’t make it better? I highly doubt it, you assholes. Do you really mean to tell me some badass wearing a wife beater and driving around a motorcycle while smoking a fat blunt wasn’t addicted to strip clubs?

I wish I could just stop there with bitching about the ridiculousness of this movie, but I can’t. It doesn’t seem fair that Batman and Iron Man, both less interesting characters than Wolverine, get really good movies made about them. If Wolverine were real and knew that this piece of shit movie was made about him, bitches would have to die. Did you see when his new adamantium claws first came out? I’ve seen better special effects on Tim and Eric: Shitty Job, Jackasses. Give me a fucking break.

Major event fail (and possible spoiler, but probably not): After becoming Weapon X, Wolverine has adamantium fused with his bones. This makes him extremely heavy, as illustrated when he sits on the motorcycle, and also by common sense (which many apparently lack). However, he jumps out of Gambit’s airplane into  a body of water and somehow doesn’t drown. I mean, it’s cool that he’s made of metal and can regenerate, but does that mean he doesn’t have to breathe anymore (or can breathe underwater)? Weird, guys. I didn’t realize Wolverine’s alter-ego is Aquaman.

I’m not saying this movie is an entire piece of shit. It did have some very entertaining parts. Just consider that I did not pay to see this movie and yet still felt motivated to write this article. Decide for yourself what that means.

this sucks