When ISN’T It Bonertime?

Boners are especially awesome when they are knitted pimps with chains. From cimorenegal's flickr.

I’m a man. A real fucking man. As a man, I have a problem that isn’t often spoken about. Every real man has this problem — some more than others. It isn’t something you can control, and, once it happens, there isn’t a whole lot you can do to get rid of it.

Women, we men know you bitches have a shitload of stuff to complain about. You bleed like fresh axe wounds once every few weeks. Your vaginae get ripped apart when you spurt out miniature versions of us. You turn into major bitches for no goddamn reason and then you blame it on us just because we’re rubbing our dicks against your asses while you’re asleep. These are things that truly suck for you (and us), and things that men are not jealous of at all. As a man, though, I can’t fucking complain. Much.

Boners are fucking sweet. They allow us to knock shit over, build stuff, and open non-twist beer bottles. Oh yeah, we also get to plow shit with them (and I don’t mean fields, but yeah, that too). For the manliest of men, we might even be able to use them as beer holders. According to a VERY reliable source, the average man has around 11 boners a day (I don’t know about their statistics but my shit is raising the roof at least 15-20 times a day, if you’re lucky. Yeah, you). Unfortunately, many times said boners occur at times where we are unable to use them.

Pray to the penis god in order to ensure you are capable of engaging in daily festivities! From jark's flickr.

The problem with hard-ons isn’t that they’re embarrassing. The problem is that we are all raised to be insecure, not proud, about our fucking awesome blood sausages. When a kid gets called to the front of the class to write something on the board while sporting major wood, the teacher and students shouldn’t point and laugh. The guys should be jealous and the girls should be trying to jump on it. The teacher, on the other hand, should stop staring and turn himself in to Chris Hansen.

At least it seems like the asians got something right. No, I’m not talking about tentacle pron or boo cakes. I’m talking about Kanamara Matsuri, or Festival of the Steel Phallus. These motherfuckers know what’s up. It is all about the boners every spring (usually around the first Sunday in April). You would think that, for a group being stereotyped with having the smallest dicks (I will not confirm or deny this), they might be a little more shy about it. However, they don’t give a fuck, as they shouldn’t. This is how everyone should be. Fuck off.

Don’t be ashamed of the awesome alien growing out of your loins of love. Embrace the awesomeness of your boner. It could be worse; you could have a vagina.